’twas december the 13th, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, ‘cept a dead reanimated mouse = yes that’s right, it’s scary Thursday here on the Nanu-Nanu Christmas Advent Calendar of film. Sure, Christmas is about loving films, care and beauty – but there are some god damn brilliant Christmas themed Horror films out there, if you are prepared to suffer from some vile shit too. But I’ve watched some of the guff so you don’t have to bother

Black Christmas (1974)

Bob Clark, 98 mins

Often considerd one of the classic Christmas horror films, Black Christmas is one of the original slasher films and as important to the genre for this alone. It’s builds on the sort of campfire horror stories that make urban legends that much more scary – the fact that they aren’t particularly supernatural,

just gruesome and real. Unlike yesterday, I am putting my foot down and telling you to ignore the 2006 remake – it didn’t need to be made, because it anaesthetizes the film from it’s raw, and natural 70’s- ness to be something of offence to film, as opposed to an offence to the mind. Indulge yourself, and get you in the giggly mood or Friday… or if that doesn’t suit you, today’s alternative film is…

Rare Exports: a Christmas Tale (2010)

Jalmari Helander, 84 mins

This Finnish masterpiece is a modern, foreign horror that plays with the Christmas myth in all it’s nasty glory. Much like a previous alternative choice Sint, Rare Exports exploits everything you’ve ever loved about Santa and rips it from shred to shred. The basic premise is that Santa is unearthed in an archaeological dig on Christmas eve, and Children start to go missing… It’s well made, and has some really hellish imagery which is fantastic.

Neither of these? A little harder to find, but why not Try…

Santa Claws (1996)

John A. Russo, 83 mins

This is a cheap, cheap b-movie. It isn’t great, by any traditional critical standards, but who needs theme – boy is this brilliant, you know?

Here’s a teaser for you, in the form of a music video…

Monday has returned and it isn’t even the last week before Christmas. This week is perhaps the grimmest of all the weeks – knowing full well that the glorious Yule time is mere days away, yet still not the reward for the next five days of penance is a real killer. To get you through this Monday – fucking Monday of a week that isn’t even the one that gets you there – you are going to want something to make you laugh, but which isn’t the real deal, yet. Give this a shot tonight for those Christmassless December Blues…

Funny Farm (1988)

George Roy Hill, 101 mins

First off the bat – this is a Chevy Chase feature film. Regardless of

your opinions of him following various spats and rumours circling his involvement with Community – a show in which he returned to his brilliance, albeit briefly – there are few funnier films than this which feature Chase. Sure, he’s known for much significant works – and there are even Christmas themed Chase films that are more worth your time than this – but this will entertain you, I guarantee. It’s about a guy who gives up his job to go and become a writer in the hills. It’s silly. It’s slapstick. It kinda has some Christmas in it, but nothing to make you long for the real deal.

The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

Micheal Lembeck, 104 mins

This is the unnecessary but inevitable sequel to the original and often well loved original “The Santa Clause” which stars Tim Allen as a guy who struggles with the fantasy and joy of Christmas. Some of you might be saying to yourself – “well if after the first one *spoiler* he’s kind of okay with being the whole Santa thing *spoiler end* then how can they make an entire film

that follows on from that?” You know what, fuck you. Who the fuck cares? How are you even buying the premise of the first you bizarre bastard? This isn’t Godfather 2 by any stretch of the imagination, and as a sequel it fits in perfectly with the soppy sentiment and humour. Just sit the hell down and relax, there’s a pale imitation of a Christmas film to get you through this dire day. Christmas isn’t about perfection – it’s about being thankful for what you’ve got. At least for people outside of America – those inside have a day to do that about a month in advance so I guess Christmas is then about Jesus or something? NOW GO AWAY.

Saturday night coming up to Christmas, you want something everyone can watch on a couch, maybe with a loved one, or maybe stroking your favourite pet dog, and just laugh like it’s nearly bloody Christmas (it really truly honestly is nearly bloody Christmas folks). Why not give these two light hearted holiday films a go – both are very mainstream and easily accessible for a Saturday night that doesn’t need a single thought.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Bob Clark, 94 mins To many, “A Christmas Story” is a classic that has to be seen but until now it had resolutely been off my radar. This is a comedy by former Porky’s director Bob Clark, and plays around the story of a child living in America in the 1940s. All he wants for Christmas is a red bb gun. Hilarity ensues, and rediscover the true meaning of Christmas… an American Christmas. The film is probably more suited to children than it is adults, but it tries to present comedy on two levels – on one, the very physical and visible level for children, and the other the knowing voice of Christmas seen with experience in hindsight – with the protagonist’s voice-over revealing like an aside, the truth and conspiracy of what is going on.

Bad Santa (2003)

Terry Zwigoff, 91 mins Yes, it really has been that long since this bizarre piece of holiday nastiness was released, and maybe time to reconsider how you felt about it. Billy Bob Thornton plays a conman out to swindle various shops and establishment’s using a Christmas themed scheme that works like a charm, until his ability and determination fade with the onset of alcoholism and exhaustion. His life slowly declines into a ceasepool of his own foils, until he accidentally falls into the company of an eight year old child – fat and bullied without a father figure in his life. As with every film about Christmas, the characters learn “the true meaning” of Christmas, disguised in a comedy film that deserves more affection than has been given it previously – but don’t expect these revelations to be as finely tuned as one might expect. There is 2/3 of a good film in there, tangled between a christmas plot, a frustratingly juxtaposition

of rudeness and sweet sentiment, and vulgour attempts to be crude that aren’t nearly as funny as you’d imagine, which with a good edit or a rewrite could have been saved. As it is, the late Bernie Mac’s character in the film adequately expresses the frustrations inherent in the film – he is utterly irrelevant to the plot, and confusingly inconsistent, but still hilarious in small doses.