Here are some essential tips for “how to run”
1) Be Visible – essential when you are starting to run, is that you only need to run when you can be seen. This is an old tip I picked up from Rugby drills as a schoolboy, either cutting corners on a route when too far away from a member of staff, or else walking entirely when they are facing the other way. For us, this key is essential – you don”t have to run if no-one is looking, but keeping up appearances when you are. Every day while on our usual route, we have to pass an office with wide windows onto the park, directly in front of our path – and without fail we perform our role to them as two machines of excercise, glorious bastion”s of determination and sweat. They must think we are so fucking cool.
*I have just realised that those of them with better eyesight might see us slacking on the other side of the park. I think this makes that entry null and void.
2) Be Bold – when attempting to appear to be running, there are a number of things one can do. Lift up the knees when you want to appear, groan, and throw water onto yourself as you pass (famous sporty types do this all the times as it makes them look sweaty).
3) Never hold hands – it is difficult to run when holding hands, we learnt this the hard way.
4) Always walk when crossing a road – as it is essential to hold hands when crossing, rule 3 indicates that running across the road is impossible. Heed this advice.
5) Encouragement – having a partner to run with means you are always in competition with each other. Never let them know how much you hate them by keeping their morale high; always make sure you encourage them more than they encourage you,
so that they are in your blood debt (useful later on)
6) Strap up – wearing the right equipment is essential, but top of this list has to be making sure your genitals are safe, and adequately exaggerated when running. No-one likes to watch a fat sweaty man gallop towards them if they have a visibly tiny pecker. No-one. If anything, you have a duty to your fellow social passengers to pick a favourite phallic vegetable and strap it to your leg with a temporary waterproof adhesive.
7) Never admit defeat – it isn”t a problem to lose, as much as it doesn”t matter if you win.
8) Think – the hardest aspect of running is the mental strength. When concentrating on your physical performance, it is easy to let your – but this dulls the mind, even if it makes time go faster. As such, you need to find a balance between this repetetive monotony that makes time pass quickly, and keeping yourself occupied. If you keep one mantra in your head, over and over again, you can get to the sort of tantric essence of running that keeps you going, but with an entertaining phrase, your boredom can be sated. Phrases I like to include are: “I don”t want to do this”, “Stop Stop Stop Stop” and “don”t let that courgette slide down your leg” repeated over and over in your head
9) Pace – running too fast is a pain, but running too slow does no-one any favours. Knowing how fast you should be travelling is essential for a good workout and one has to look to the animal kingdom for guidance – you want to be going faster than a snail”s pace for instance, but never as fast as a hare as that will wear you down, and as we know from the fable, will cause you to get cocky and sleep somewhere instead of racing and then the bastard tortoise might snatch victory from under your arrogant rabbity nose. Importantly, find the right pace for you, and stick to it – we tend to run at a dolphin”s pace (if the dolphin was trying to run on land) and that seems to motivate us adequately.
10) Dealing with police – a tough one to Giocare è davvero semplice, dovrai aprire un Conto Gioco, scegliere il Bonus Benvenuto giochi di Abilità e cominciare a giocare subito con il card games preferito. get right. Legally, there are certain things you can and can”t do – for example, it is illegal to wave at a policeman. Terrorist groups are known to try and work their magic on authority figures in this way, and as such police are apt to clamp down on unnecessary greetings and other informal blather while running past. Ignore police as much as you can, smiling at most, unless they talk to you first – in which case, have an official response prepared, things like “lovely day officer”, “morning constable” and “my, that is a lovely dress m”am” (as in “h”am”)
11) Running Gear – wearing the right things is so important. Running shoes are an essential, and those who need it should consider wearing comfortable sports bras where necessary – Finlay and I made the mistake in our first week of going into the wild ill equipped, wearing trainers and a sort of crotchless lingerie which, although extremely flattering to our Rubenesque frames, were not appropriate for the exercise in question – we won”t be making that mistake two weeks in a row (again)! Cold too!
12) Runner Etiquette – don”t try to stop and talk with other runners, this disrupts people”s rhythm, instead you can communicate using a sort of rudimentary morse code of feet and a series of grunting sounds which are capable of basic phrases such as “can you pass me some water” but can be used all the way up to “what do you think of Roman Polanski”s latest Neo-Noir documentary?”. When not running, it is customary before and after every run to present a gift to your running partner. They don”t have to be expensive, probably within the £25 to £200 price range, but they cannot be functional and must be entirely unneccessary and be tagged in your own mind”s eye as “complete tat”. Anything useful is considered a slight against their professional ability to run, and is absolutely verboden. Why not give them a nice hat?
13) Dogs – whether a tiny yapper, or a 300 pound trained killer, these animals make excellent forms of transport if you get exhausted mid run, and double up as boot scrapers. Essential purchase – remember, dogs aren”t only for Christmas, they are also for running.
14) People who run together, blog together – start a blog and hide narky passive aggressive comments throughout, and then check to see if your partner actually reads the other half of the blog. You”d be amazed the shit you can say without them realising.
15) Routine – getting into a regular routine is important, so when you arrive together, make sure you use the same jokes when you meet (“nice to RUN into you again”, “fancy seeing you here rapper RUN DMC”, “hey, look over there [pointing and then running away quickly]”) as well as while you are running together ([run too fast so you get ahead and when in ear shot of a policeman shout] “help me, he”s coming to get me!” LOL), as well as keeping everything else the same – stretching, jog distance, stretch-down, showers, post-run kissing etc.
16) Never give up – unless you have to, or are bored or whatever.
17) Walk before you can run – this is perhaps the most obvious problem one has to overcome when you start running. If you don”t know how to walk, then running is supremely difficult. Even then, the step up takes a lot of hard work and practice – which you can do at home thanks to this excellent and authentic running simulator which takes you through the basics, called “QWOP” – it”s mighty fun too.
Hitch”s Mantra: You are always watching yourself. Never Stop Running.
Hitch”s guide on how to run is absolutely spot on this week folks so follow all of those tips to the letter.
For the song of the week this week it was pretty essential that you could imagine yourself in a learning to run montage whilst listening to it. Deliberately avoiding the cliches of the montage scene I decided to go for Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Plus look at that video.
You can keep up with the Spotify playlist as ever .
We continue to run for our own enjoyment but if you fancy supporting us and a very good charity you can find our Just Giving page here. We will happily perform challenges for money. Both because we want to make it interesting and we are of course performing monkeys. If you missed last week”s blog check it out for more information on our charity attempt.